broken heart.

I'm not writing this because my heart is broken. But I'm certainly writing this because it was broken.

The kind of broken where I couldn't leave my apartment... could hardly force myself to do something as necessary as brush my teeth or take a shower. It wasn't possible to eat. Everything tasted like my throat was made of sandpaper when I tried to swallow. The same muscles that it took to rock my body in sobs forgot how to laugh until I cried. Laughter was a distant memory and so was my social life. My body literally ached from staying in my bed for too long. I lost track of time and I'd wake up in the middle of the night with my body believing it was time to get up. When it comes to living situations, I can be quite the germ-a-phobe, but cleaning never crossed my mind.

It took the power of God and His Word to pull me out of the deep. It didn't happen quickly. I cried so much that it would be believable to me to have cried more than my infant days.

What is the point in reliving those memories tonight... why now... why ever?

As raw as my heart was, it was never more perfectly laid in God's hands. There is a certain peace and joy that comes from that and it is not easy to get back into that position, without, well, having another broken heart.

Even still, this is still not the thought process that led to this blog.

I spent my entire day at a theme park in LA. A theme park in the summer time means very long lines. I was with the same person I've been staying with for several days now. Eventually, we ran out of things to say, and those terribly long lines began to get me into these deep thought processes.

Straight from the beginning of this day, my nostalgic radar was on overload. I'm not sure if it was me or coincidental... or... now as I see it, God working throught the fine details again.... but every last detail led me back to an important friendship in my past.

Every ex-boyfriend, no matter the age or the importance or the longevity, passed through my mind today because of some detail that reminded me of them. In addition, buckets of friends- anywhere from my childhood best friend to my current one- crossed through my mind. In fact, my family members, both as a whole and also individually, also paid me a visit in spirit.

All these things drew me to one huge question... WHY?

Why aren't they in my life? Why were they there to begin with? Why do I feel like such a bridge-burner as I remember them? And why would God bring this all to my attention right now?

Hours and hours later, I'd like to say that I believe God was trying to get me to understand that it is a fact of life to lose loved ones over and over, for all kinds of reasons. He worked in my heart to stir up all kinds of memories that I've locked away- BANNED away- because if I've had a falling out, then I've chose to bury the memory and build new ones. It's a popular thing to do.

Until I wake up one day and realize I've buried more memories than the few left remaining that I'm actually allowing myself to treasure.

God allowed me all of these special relationships with people who may or may not have screwed me over. I may or may not have screwed them over. In fact, they might have just moved across the country and there are no hard feelings at all.

He allowed me these treasures... and I've been burying them. Over and over.

If there was ever a relationship that has caused me a broken heart or to shed any amount of tears, it goes without saying that the person meant something to me. If I was broken to the point of not wanting to leave my apartment, how could I ever possibly allow myself to believe that I'd be able to forget the one who had me feeling that way to begin with? I'm not saying every single person that I've split ways with is a good person or that we shouldn't have split ways. But I will have no life to remember if I keep scratching out all the memories of those who are no longer in my life.

It's time for a treasure hunt. A humble and appreciative hunt for what belongs to me and only me. I can not be me without my past intact. It's time to start appreciating it.

Because if I can't appreciate where I'm coming from, then I really know nothing about dealing with the present.