Emotions are a funny thing. It is hard for me to determine if I'm happy being single or not, because some days I'm very excited to be single and then, other times, I'm struggling to be happy for my not-so-single friends. Sometimes I try to sit down and really seriously engage in the thought process of what would happen if I were no longer single. It's just hard to do. I immediately realize several parts of my every day life would actually need to change out of respect to the significant other. And also, there are so many guy friends I have that I would feel the need to take a step back from, out of courtesy as well.
This last thought really sent my mind reeling. So many amazing guy friends in my life... I don't want to give up any of them in exchange for just one! Take that as a compliment then, I guess, boys.
Even still, it gets more interesting.
There is a story that Max Lucado shares in his small book- He Did This Just for You- that'd I'd like to quickly recap for you. Pardon me if a detail or two is not exact. It's a story about a little girl who has a set of fake pearls that she absolutely loves to play with. Her father is an international businessmen and he brings back a real set of pearls for her as a surprise. Before giving them to her, he is putting her to bed one night and she says she loves him. He asks if she loves him enough to give him her pearls and she cries and says no. The next day, after much debate, she comes to her daddy and gives him her fake pearls and says she does love him enough. Then, of course, her father is moved by her interaction and gives her the real set of pearls.
How is this any different from our precious Father in heaven? He wants to bless us, but so often, we refuse to give up our silly fake pearls in exchange for His greater blessings.
Believe it or not, this relates very easily to the subject at hand.
Over time, I find myself going through spells of boy craziness. Maybe it's only a little crush here at work and a little crush over there at late nite. Maybe it's something I'd never pursue and never speak out loud.
But the reality of the matter is this: The more I hold on to silly crushes, especially when there is one here, one there, etc, etc... even if it's only because so-and-so has crystal clear blue eyes and a passion for ministry and the other has a knack for photography and a giving attitude.... those are all great things... but is it possible to say that by holding on, I'm clouding my judgment... I'm being distracted... and I'm giving away a pearl or two at a time... to someone who probably doesn't even know it, none-the-less?
And then, when it's time for God to really bestow His blessing... His plans... on my life... I'm not paying attention. All my fake pearls are not in one hand. I can't even begin to gather them all and trade them in. The real pearls are waiting- a job, a ministry, a new friendship... maybe a future HUSBAND? And my head is still spinning, too focused on the fake pearls, spread everywhere.
There are sides to every story. And I'm not saying it's a bad thing to be aware of those around you... because I'm not exactly trying to be single forever.
When I worked at the BG, one of my supervisors used to tell me all the time that the greatest accomplishment for a human is to conquer loneliness. Now, of course this is to be debated. It's definitely not solid truth. But it goes without saying that this is a huge task for most humans. And it wasn't until very recently that I seemed to wake up one day and realize that I finally have defeated this issue for myself.
It no longer bothers me to spend hours on end by myself. Not only that, but I don't waste the time I spend alone. I recognize it as time spent with my Father. And that being said, alone time is suddenly some of the most valuable time I can be given.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Twilight + Donald Miller = ??
This winter break it has appeared that I haven't been involved in much. The reality of the situation though, is that I've read many books and spent a lot of time deep in thought.
After the last six months of 2009, I've learned a lot about attitude and character. After all the experiences I've been mostly forced to endure, I've finally had the chance to reflect on all of it.
It really hasn't been much of a secret that I was dying to find something that wasn't "intellectual" to read after finals in December. Against all my anti-Twlight notions, I still found myself with the books in hand. I read the entire series in less than a week. There are so many arguments about what makes Twilight an excellent- or in other cases, terrible- read. But I don't want to mention Twilight for the sake of Twilight. Which, I am team Edward if you must know.
I mentioned Twilight because the first thing that I've been asked by others who find out about my recent addiction is this immediate, disbelieving and almost chastizing response: "What is it about those books that is so good? I don't get it!"
Aside from everything I could say, I will only mention one aspect.
I got sucked in, no pun intended, to the Twilight series because of the ambiance of the read. Something about being deep in Forks, admist the woods and the constant rain... the cozy small home in the woods... the clumziness of Bella.. the way her window slides open and the shadows dance across the floor of her room... how Edward's eyes turn from a hungry desparate black to a flickering aweinspiring gold.... All these details add up to this coziness that I simply couldn't get enough of.
Don't tell me you can't relate.
Every Christmas, I wish for a cold and rainy Christmas eve. With lots of traffic and dreariness. Why? Because I'm a Floridian. And I figure this is the closest we can get to a white Christmas.
I had this boyfriend who was just the perfect womanizer in the end. I didn't realize I was a blip on his radar, because I was so enamored with how every detail seemed to fall perfectly in line. He was just so... good.. at what he did. Without realizing it, I memorized the way he smelled, the way his eyes danced in the streetlights right before he kissed me goodnight... the way his breath always tasted like a peppermint mocha at the end of every date because inevitably we always had to make a stop by starbucks.
Sometimes life gets too loud. I don't want to hear anything. Not even a text message buzzing in. I'll come home and light two candles. Always the same candles. One is a mulled apple cider and the other a hazelnut cream. I've gone through so many candles, and ironically, I've ended up with my favorite being the walmart brand. I'll stop by the store on the way home and pick up a pack of cookie dough and milk. I always bake the cookies three quarters of the suggested time. It's not a good cookie unless it falls apart when you pick it up... unless the chocolate is gooey and stuck to my fingers. And the milk isn't worthy unless it's ice cold. Then, I get cozy. I draw the heavy curtains if there is any light streaming in. I find one of only a small hand full of movies. And I watch.
I don't watch movies over and over again. In fact there are only a small number of movies I re-watch. I do not watch them because they are good movies, necessarily. I watch them because of the way they make me feel. Because of the vibe they generate. Their ambiance. All of these small details are personal to me, of course. Clearly, a male of my age might be more into something with a tense and exciting atmosphere. Something with suspense and thrills. The point is, all of us crave certain fulfillments at certain times.
So, reading Twilight sent me crashing and clambering for more. I needed more of this feeling I got from Stephanie Meyers' writings. I've read a hand full of books. Right now, Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years in sitting next to me. I'm not even halfway through, but I was too inspired to sit still. I had to put some thoughts down before I lost track of them all. And now, here I sit, snuggled a foot deep in blankets on this below freezing night, perfectly fine with giving up a Saturday night to do some soul-searching.
Donald Miller made me realize the difference between yearning for more of a story in the form of something like Twilight and then fighting to make my life a decent story itself. I've heard this quote from time to time that goes something like this- I don't want to sleep because for once my reality is better than my dreams. This is exactly what Donald Miller seemed to struggle with when they decided to turn Blue Like Jazz into a movie. They needed to create a storyline to go with the book and he realized he's spent his time writing stories instead of living out a story. He made a good example in the beginning of his book... We wouldn't get wrapped up in the storyline of someone who spent an entire wanting and working to get a new car. We wouldn't cry at the end if they finally got the car. We are not inspired by movies like this, so how can we expect to be fulfilled with life stories that resemble something similar to this example storyline?
This entire concept has been just within my grasp for the last year. It hasn't been so precisely thought out, but I began to realize that the feelings I get watching my certain comfort movies are never enough. Of course, there are many Godly reasons why a movie isn't going to fulfill me, but that's for another day.
The bottom line is, it leaves the question hanging before me... if I want a story like THAT... then I have to live like THAT.
This means taking risks and chances and not going through the same dull routines. If I like a character in a movie who has certain cute routines- like lighting candles and taking bubble baths and having cozy personal evenings alone... then I should probably do something similar myself instead of trying to simulate the experience by just popping in a movie. You don't become a marathon runner by watching movies about runners. You do it by getting off the couch and becoming your own leading lady, your own hero, protagonist, star. You write your own story.
How existentialist of me, I know.
But then, Donald Miller also talks about the Writer in his head. A Writer I know very well. But that's another story for another day.
After the last six months of 2009, I've learned a lot about attitude and character. After all the experiences I've been mostly forced to endure, I've finally had the chance to reflect on all of it.
It really hasn't been much of a secret that I was dying to find something that wasn't "intellectual" to read after finals in December. Against all my anti-Twlight notions, I still found myself with the books in hand. I read the entire series in less than a week. There are so many arguments about what makes Twilight an excellent- or in other cases, terrible- read. But I don't want to mention Twilight for the sake of Twilight. Which, I am team Edward if you must know.
I mentioned Twilight because the first thing that I've been asked by others who find out about my recent addiction is this immediate, disbelieving and almost chastizing response: "What is it about those books that is so good? I don't get it!"
Aside from everything I could say, I will only mention one aspect.
I got sucked in, no pun intended, to the Twilight series because of the ambiance of the read. Something about being deep in Forks, admist the woods and the constant rain... the cozy small home in the woods... the clumziness of Bella.. the way her window slides open and the shadows dance across the floor of her room... how Edward's eyes turn from a hungry desparate black to a flickering aweinspiring gold.... All these details add up to this coziness that I simply couldn't get enough of.
Don't tell me you can't relate.
Every Christmas, I wish for a cold and rainy Christmas eve. With lots of traffic and dreariness. Why? Because I'm a Floridian. And I figure this is the closest we can get to a white Christmas.
I had this boyfriend who was just the perfect womanizer in the end. I didn't realize I was a blip on his radar, because I was so enamored with how every detail seemed to fall perfectly in line. He was just so... good.. at what he did. Without realizing it, I memorized the way he smelled, the way his eyes danced in the streetlights right before he kissed me goodnight... the way his breath always tasted like a peppermint mocha at the end of every date because inevitably we always had to make a stop by starbucks.
Sometimes life gets too loud. I don't want to hear anything. Not even a text message buzzing in. I'll come home and light two candles. Always the same candles. One is a mulled apple cider and the other a hazelnut cream. I've gone through so many candles, and ironically, I've ended up with my favorite being the walmart brand. I'll stop by the store on the way home and pick up a pack of cookie dough and milk. I always bake the cookies three quarters of the suggested time. It's not a good cookie unless it falls apart when you pick it up... unless the chocolate is gooey and stuck to my fingers. And the milk isn't worthy unless it's ice cold. Then, I get cozy. I draw the heavy curtains if there is any light streaming in. I find one of only a small hand full of movies. And I watch.
I don't watch movies over and over again. In fact there are only a small number of movies I re-watch. I do not watch them because they are good movies, necessarily. I watch them because of the way they make me feel. Because of the vibe they generate. Their ambiance. All of these small details are personal to me, of course. Clearly, a male of my age might be more into something with a tense and exciting atmosphere. Something with suspense and thrills. The point is, all of us crave certain fulfillments at certain times.
So, reading Twilight sent me crashing and clambering for more. I needed more of this feeling I got from Stephanie Meyers' writings. I've read a hand full of books. Right now, Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years in sitting next to me. I'm not even halfway through, but I was too inspired to sit still. I had to put some thoughts down before I lost track of them all. And now, here I sit, snuggled a foot deep in blankets on this below freezing night, perfectly fine with giving up a Saturday night to do some soul-searching.
Donald Miller made me realize the difference between yearning for more of a story in the form of something like Twilight and then fighting to make my life a decent story itself. I've heard this quote from time to time that goes something like this- I don't want to sleep because for once my reality is better than my dreams. This is exactly what Donald Miller seemed to struggle with when they decided to turn Blue Like Jazz into a movie. They needed to create a storyline to go with the book and he realized he's spent his time writing stories instead of living out a story. He made a good example in the beginning of his book... We wouldn't get wrapped up in the storyline of someone who spent an entire wanting and working to get a new car. We wouldn't cry at the end if they finally got the car. We are not inspired by movies like this, so how can we expect to be fulfilled with life stories that resemble something similar to this example storyline?
This entire concept has been just within my grasp for the last year. It hasn't been so precisely thought out, but I began to realize that the feelings I get watching my certain comfort movies are never enough. Of course, there are many Godly reasons why a movie isn't going to fulfill me, but that's for another day.
The bottom line is, it leaves the question hanging before me... if I want a story like THAT... then I have to live like THAT.
This means taking risks and chances and not going through the same dull routines. If I like a character in a movie who has certain cute routines- like lighting candles and taking bubble baths and having cozy personal evenings alone... then I should probably do something similar myself instead of trying to simulate the experience by just popping in a movie. You don't become a marathon runner by watching movies about runners. You do it by getting off the couch and becoming your own leading lady, your own hero, protagonist, star. You write your own story.
How existentialist of me, I know.
But then, Donald Miller also talks about the Writer in his head. A Writer I know very well. But that's another story for another day.
They told me to write.
note- add me on facebook to see previous posts
So I will. But for now, I'm copying something I wrote in a conversation. It explains where I stand pretty well, I think.
---
i dont know what it is. i've just been praying God just keeps LEADING me.
for so long ive felt motionless
no
not motionless. but just... drug. through so much stuff. and its all a blur. like going to a class. and only passing it because of a curve
and not retaining but a few things about the entire class. thats what ive felt like for so long. and every now and then, i might have a moment wher ei learn and I can grasp something sharp and true in my life. I catch a glimpse of God at work. then I lose it
and i HATE it.
so I'm grabbing onto Him. I'm holding onto His word. I'm trying not to let go of Him, take my eyes off, for even a second. because we're moving too fast.
and it's like moving in the dark. if i let go, i'll fall, and it'll take a while to find His coattail to hang onto again.
and since I've had this mindset, ive been able to take steps forward instead of just walking in circles in the dark. and part of it is the pearls thing. i dont want to be a tainted vessel. i want to be working for Him
I want to be the first one on-call to do His work. and lately I've been taken off the call list entirely because I'm lost somewhere in the dark. Not gone. just... lost in God's basement or something, trying to find just a centerpiece for the dinner... and everyone else is sitting down to eat without me. because I can't find the stinkin centerpiece without His help
so. that is what it is. in jessica terms of course.
-----
I've just set out to draw closer in His word every day. to read other materials about other peoples' experiences. to share my own experiences. to look at WHO God is instead of what it is He (APPEARS to be) is DOING.
and focusing on a better prayer life. Just really trying to view myself and view others through God's eyes. fellowship with believers. And then lastly just surrendering my plans entirely and letting every day count
I'm conquering loneliness by learning how to let Him fulfill me and use me for His glory.
-----
All that jibberish being said.... The bottom line is, I have too much to say. I feel like my head and my heart are going to explode. I want to and need to start writing things down more consistently. I need something a little more than facebook I guess. And I have several things I want to put down right away, so this will be the first post of several.
So I will. But for now, I'm copying something I wrote in a conversation. It explains where I stand pretty well, I think.
---
i dont know what it is. i've just been praying God just keeps LEADING me.
for so long ive felt motionless
no
not motionless. but just... drug. through so much stuff. and its all a blur. like going to a class. and only passing it because of a curve
and not retaining but a few things about the entire class. thats what ive felt like for so long. and every now and then, i might have a moment wher ei learn and I can grasp something sharp and true in my life. I catch a glimpse of God at work. then I lose it
and i HATE it.
so I'm grabbing onto Him. I'm holding onto His word. I'm trying not to let go of Him, take my eyes off, for even a second. because we're moving too fast.
and it's like moving in the dark. if i let go, i'll fall, and it'll take a while to find His coattail to hang onto again.
and since I've had this mindset, ive been able to take steps forward instead of just walking in circles in the dark. and part of it is the pearls thing. i dont want to be a tainted vessel. i want to be working for Him
I want to be the first one on-call to do His work. and lately I've been taken off the call list entirely because I'm lost somewhere in the dark. Not gone. just... lost in God's basement or something, trying to find just a centerpiece for the dinner... and everyone else is sitting down to eat without me. because I can't find the stinkin centerpiece without His help
so. that is what it is. in jessica terms of course.
-----
I've just set out to draw closer in His word every day. to read other materials about other peoples' experiences. to share my own experiences. to look at WHO God is instead of what it is He (APPEARS to be) is DOING.
and focusing on a better prayer life. Just really trying to view myself and view others through God's eyes. fellowship with believers. And then lastly just surrendering my plans entirely and letting every day count
I'm conquering loneliness by learning how to let Him fulfill me and use me for His glory.
-----
All that jibberish being said.... The bottom line is, I have too much to say. I feel like my head and my heart are going to explode. I want to and need to start writing things down more consistently. I need something a little more than facebook I guess. And I have several things I want to put down right away, so this will be the first post of several.
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