broken heart.

I'm not writing this because my heart is broken. But I'm certainly writing this because it was broken.

The kind of broken where I couldn't leave my apartment... could hardly force myself to do something as necessary as brush my teeth or take a shower. It wasn't possible to eat. Everything tasted like my throat was made of sandpaper when I tried to swallow. The same muscles that it took to rock my body in sobs forgot how to laugh until I cried. Laughter was a distant memory and so was my social life. My body literally ached from staying in my bed for too long. I lost track of time and I'd wake up in the middle of the night with my body believing it was time to get up. When it comes to living situations, I can be quite the germ-a-phobe, but cleaning never crossed my mind.

It took the power of God and His Word to pull me out of the deep. It didn't happen quickly. I cried so much that it would be believable to me to have cried more than my infant days.

What is the point in reliving those memories tonight... why now... why ever?

As raw as my heart was, it was never more perfectly laid in God's hands. There is a certain peace and joy that comes from that and it is not easy to get back into that position, without, well, having another broken heart.

Even still, this is still not the thought process that led to this blog.

I spent my entire day at a theme park in LA. A theme park in the summer time means very long lines. I was with the same person I've been staying with for several days now. Eventually, we ran out of things to say, and those terribly long lines began to get me into these deep thought processes.

Straight from the beginning of this day, my nostalgic radar was on overload. I'm not sure if it was me or coincidental... or... now as I see it, God working throught the fine details again.... but every last detail led me back to an important friendship in my past.

Every ex-boyfriend, no matter the age or the importance or the longevity, passed through my mind today because of some detail that reminded me of them. In addition, buckets of friends- anywhere from my childhood best friend to my current one- crossed through my mind. In fact, my family members, both as a whole and also individually, also paid me a visit in spirit.

All these things drew me to one huge question... WHY?

Why aren't they in my life? Why were they there to begin with? Why do I feel like such a bridge-burner as I remember them? And why would God bring this all to my attention right now?

Hours and hours later, I'd like to say that I believe God was trying to get me to understand that it is a fact of life to lose loved ones over and over, for all kinds of reasons. He worked in my heart to stir up all kinds of memories that I've locked away- BANNED away- because if I've had a falling out, then I've chose to bury the memory and build new ones. It's a popular thing to do.

Until I wake up one day and realize I've buried more memories than the few left remaining that I'm actually allowing myself to treasure.

God allowed me all of these special relationships with people who may or may not have screwed me over. I may or may not have screwed them over. In fact, they might have just moved across the country and there are no hard feelings at all.

He allowed me these treasures... and I've been burying them. Over and over.

If there was ever a relationship that has caused me a broken heart or to shed any amount of tears, it goes without saying that the person meant something to me. If I was broken to the point of not wanting to leave my apartment, how could I ever possibly allow myself to believe that I'd be able to forget the one who had me feeling that way to begin with? I'm not saying every single person that I've split ways with is a good person or that we shouldn't have split ways. But I will have no life to remember if I keep scratching out all the memories of those who are no longer in my life.

It's time for a treasure hunt. A humble and appreciative hunt for what belongs to me and only me. I can not be me without my past intact. It's time to start appreciating it.

Because if I can't appreciate where I'm coming from, then I really know nothing about dealing with the present.

just breathe.

First of all, I want to start out by saying that I've been rolling this idea around in my head for several days. I knew I was going to write this blog and I knew the topic far in advance. Most of the time, when I blog, I tend to write about lessons I am currently learning or have recently learned. Stuff like that.

That being said, I find it quite ironic that as I was opening a new window to begin this blog, I got a facebook message from a friend that said, "just remember to breathe!"

Needless to say, I got my affirmation over this blog topic.

Just breathe. Remember to breathe. Stop holding your breath.

I realized while working in the studio and listening to a very old dashboard confessional song, that I have been holding my breath for several weeks now. I don't realize I do these things.

My instructor has been teaching me to throw pottery. For those of you who don't understand, I am learning to use a pottery wheel- go youtube GHOST. You'll figure it out. I often get in trouble with her for holding my breath. I forget to breathe. And she'll even tell me, "Look, if you have to, slowly ease your hands off the piece and then take a breath. Just... find a way to breathe... or you're going to send the whole thing off track when you finally go take that overdue gasp."

I'm not anxious. In fact, I'm ridiculously calm in this season of my life. It is very similar to when I'm throwing. I get so caught up in my focus that I forget to breathe. I'm waiting until I reach a certain point before it's okay to take that next breath.

Right now, I'm at a huge crossroads. I've worn out my welcome at the University of South Florida, FINALLY. My last day of USF is on April 29th. And I'm done.

I leave in five short hours to drive down to Miami for a final interview with an airline. I'll be a flight attendant and will have to relocate to Miramar, Florida.

The farthest away from Dade City I have ever lived is 45 minutes in Tampa.

My heart has always been in travel and in serving other people. I want to be in front of others for a living. I actually WANT to be put into tricky situations with unhappy people so that I can see them smile again while under my car. I'm sure that sounds absolutely ridiculous to you, but when I went seven months without being in front of the general public, I hate to say it, but I missed it terribly. It's what I do.

I've dreamed of being a flight attendant secretly for a very long time. It was something I always thought was out of my reach. It would just never happen. I'm still in awe of the fact that I even got an interview to begin with.

Even though I had the theme selected for this blog, I don't have answers.

(the above sentence is what I was going to say)

But, really, I do have answers. I have this insane amount of faith in God playing a huge part in what is going on in my life right now. He has this whole thing under way. He knows how it's going to happen.. how that I'll respond.. and how that my life is going to look five months from now. No one else can offer me that heads up besides Him. He has my back. He knows what I need most and He loves me so much that He considers the desires of my heart. He is the one who hand crafted me, so He knows exactly how to mold this situation.

There is nothing to be worried about. There is nothing to be holding my breath over. Either I get the job or I don't. Either way, things carry on. And He'll show me His way. This has been an absolutely wonderful experience and it is a dream that I will not give up on if I walk away jobless tomorrow.

Thanks for listening to me ramble myself to sleep.... five...short...hours....

the THEN WHAT?

I always say that I'm going to keep things nice and simple, short and sweet. I really don't think this will be much of anything, but we'll see.

I've been thinking two different thought patterns lately, both of which end at the same conclusion.

First off, this is the first time in my entire life that I have had a steady relationship with God. My definition of steady relationship with God is a relationship that is void of addictive sin that causes my spiritual life and therefore, my entire life for that matter, to feel as if it's a rollercoaster. This is not to say I do not have sin in my life- I've got plenty of it and always will. I'm just saying that I've never lived free of sin, free of the vicious cycles of sin, for this long and this consistently before. It's a good thing and a bad thing. Good for obvious reasons. But bad, because this opens me up to living a lukewarm spiritual life. At least when I was screwing up all the time, I was deeply sorry and propelled myself full force right back into God's arms every time I messed up. It's comparable to the woman with the oil at Jesus feet and other stories like it... the ones closest to Him, the ones most passionate, tend to be the ones who need His grace the most. This is not to say that I'm not in great need of His grace, but it is to say that I am in immediate danger of growing callous to my own needs, and therefore, growing lukewarm and cold in my daily spiritual walk. (I will add more to this in a few moments)

Secondly, I've been thinking about our reasoning for telling people about Jesus. Yes, we want them to be saved. Yes, we were commissioned to do so as believers. There are tons of reasons out there. But aside from those, why? What is it that we are wanting them to experience? There is an initial moment of salvation, yes. But after that, THEN WHAT? What happens next? What is it that we are so adament to share with other people? (stay tuned)

Basically, I guess I'm getting at.... Why did Christ send His Son? Well, He sent Him to make us holy and to bring us back to Him. Ok, yes, that is true. But then what? Why does He want us with Him? What Im saying is- what is it that happens after we're back with God again? Whether it is now or in Heaven?

God created us for Him and His glory. But He also loved us enough that He gave us an entire world of experiences. He wants to see us happy just like we want to see our loved ones happy. God is just as interested in our daily experiences as He is everything else.

I hope you still take my seriously after I share the next thought or two with you:

God is in the moments that I get in my car to commute to Tampa each day. It's sunny. I'm freshly showered. My hair is blowing and the disco ball on my rearview mirror sends all sorts of splinters of light around my car. My music is streaming and the bass is going strong. Lately, I hear the same song every single day... and the first line is this, "I wake up in the morning feeling like P-diddy." Now, I don't really stand beside the meaning of this song, but I feel God's presence with me as I basically am waking up to another beautiful day that only HE can provide me with. I feel Him chuckling over me as I mouth the beginning line to this song every morning in the privacy that only He gets to share with me.

Yes, it may sound silly to you. But, God is everywhere. He is dying to experience life with us in the smallest -and largest- of ways... but sometimes we are so caught up in more "important" things that we don't realize it.

For example, yes, we are commissioned to share Jesus with everyone, everywhere. And there are tons of people who build their lives around this and that's great and really important. But they are so focused on the PRODUCT (more people accepting Christ) that they miss out on what God is extremely interested in (the PROCESS).

Donald Miller summed up the book of Ecclesiastes something like this- God is telling us to write a great story, take some loved ones along, and allow Him to help us write it. God is the CREATOR of the definition of EXPERIENCE. He didn't give us tastebuds or a sense of smell or eyesight for just any old reason. He did it because He loves us and He wants to give us pleasure.

In relation to my first comment on my own current spiritual standings... I've realized that God is ready to take us deeper at all times. Just because things are steady and good right now doesn't mean I've "arrived." I don't want to settle for good. I want the best. I want to know what my life would look like if I gave it my absolute all. I want to know what it would look like if I gave my absolute all to CHRIST and allowed Him to mold me accordingly.

I challenge you to seek out God tomorrow. How is He showing up in your everyday life? Share it with someone else. Challenge someone else to get involved in the process. Question and examine yourself. Make sure you are giving every ounce you can to Him. Allow Him all the control you are aware you have and see where He takes you. I guarantee you'll have no other choice but to be purely satisfied on Him alone... and I'm pretty sure there's no better thing that could possibly happen.

the issue.

I've been meaning to write this down for the last two weeks, but I just haven't had the extra chance to do so.
Lately, I've been distracted by a certain person. Which doesn't sound all that big of a deal, but to me it is, because I don't want to be distracted. I don't want to be attached to someone who doesn't even know what's going on. On top of that, I don't need everyone else I know to be aware of this in case it never works out anyway (which is more than likely what will happen). It's incredibly petty sounding, but it was really one of the first things on my mind every single day.
Until.... a couple weeks ago. I was at Aletheia and Seth stepped up to give his testimony. What he said during his testimony influences me so much so, that the issue (that's what I like to call it, the issue)... I was having is now 80% of the way gone. Here's what I learned....
Seth was talking about our sin. He was referring to the part after we're sorry for our sin, after we've repented.... the part where we want to change so badly....So basically, how we hang onto our sin and make it our top priority to get it fixed. Pretty normal, right? Well, the problem for most of us, is we can't fix it on our own. But we keep concentrating on the sin, trying to do what we can, sometimes being successful, and sometimes failing miserably, making it a lot worse than it was.
This is the kicker. Seth told us he realized by focusing on his sin (regardless of his good intentions to fix it), he was missing out on the most basic characteristics of God- some of the most basic benefits of knowing God... joy, peace, hope, strength, I could go on and on. So, he focused on who God is and what God has done, etc, instead of his problem. He continued to seek God out and learn more about Him and to love Him more fully. I'm sure you can guess the rest.... By knowing God and caring about his relationship with God first and foremost, Seth's problem kind of took care of itself. He began to love what God loves and hate what He hates. I call it living in the overflow (of God's love, of course).
So, bottomline lesson for me... I realized that this intense distraction I was having could be fixed by not focusing on it as my problem.... but instead, when I found myself distracted, I'd push it aside and fill myself with God. Search Him out for His word, search Him out in prayer, in worship... search Him out in His creation... the list is forever long, but the point is, when I'm tempted to get up to my elbows with my issues, I'm going to drop everything, and seek Him out.
And, I'm sure you can also guess the rest of my story, too.... the distraction issue has pretty much taken care of itself. (or rather, God's taken care of it, while I've been too busy seeking Him out to notice)
(Sorry if I butchered your story, Seth.)

Macaroni Grill on the fritz...

So I'm sitting here, stressing out over whether or not I passed my tests at work. Now, I know there are several different things I could throw out there to make myself feel better or worse. I'm mostly just considering what my life would be like if I'm jobless again come this time tomorrow. At first, I want to break down and cry and beat my fist on the ground like a child. I admit I might actually react that way regardless of anything I consider now or before then. That being said, I started to really wonder and ache for some sort of certainty about when I'll be able to be on my own again, living and having fun like I used to. I ache and desire it so much. The possibilities of what is to come is a neverending daydream for me lately. A new job, after being on unemployment since July, can do that to you. Since I feel there is a significant chance I may be losing my job, already, it is easy to feel disheartened and feel that I will never again get to feel independence again, within the confines and comfort of my own apartment.
The reality of the situation, though, is quite different. For example, you know me and my weird small quirks and desires... well, I've been thinking a lot about the good ol days when I worked at Cracker Barrel. I worked there for 3 years- 03-06. Since I'm training in a new place, I always compare new places to where I've been and what not. For some reason, I've been craving a Momma's French Toast with Blackberries on top from Cracker Barrel all week long. As usual, God hears the smallest desires of my heart. I had ONE CHANCE to be social this entire week and I chose to spend it with my friend Hannah. She wanted to take our friend Danielle and me to Kaleisia. Somehow, she decided sporadically- and all on her own, without my help- to go to Cracker Barrel. Needless to say, I ordered the french toast complete with blackberries, whipped cream, turkey sausage, and fried eggs. And lucky me, Hannah treated me to it. How kind of Hannah, but more importantly, how awesome God is to hear the smallest desires of my heart- the ones that seem like nothing at all- and answer them.
In this seemingly small instance, it was then that I was comforted in remembering that regardless of what my circumstances appear as, God is still looking out for my best interest. If I'm at this job long enough to memorize almost an entire menu, to embarass myself in plenty of friends and family (hey! hows your new job? uhhhhh I was too dumb to pass all the tests!), and to make a hand full of new friends... well, then somehow, that was what I needed for right now and I'll be grateful for it. God has taken me since July without a job and He'll continue to do so... whether I work at Macaroni Grill or if I am jobless all over again.
It's good to be humbled. It's good to be reminded I'm who I am because of what He's done.

Pearls.

Emotions are a funny thing. It is hard for me to determine if I'm happy being single or not, because some days I'm very excited to be single and then, other times, I'm struggling to be happy for my not-so-single friends. Sometimes I try to sit down and really seriously engage in the thought process of what would happen if I were no longer single. It's just hard to do. I immediately realize several parts of my every day life would actually need to change out of respect to the significant other. And also, there are so many guy friends I have that I would feel the need to take a step back from, out of courtesy as well.

This last thought really sent my mind reeling. So many amazing guy friends in my life... I don't want to give up any of them in exchange for just one! Take that as a compliment then, I guess, boys.

Even still, it gets more interesting.

There is a story that Max Lucado shares in his small book- He Did This Just for You- that'd I'd like to quickly recap for you. Pardon me if a detail or two is not exact. It's a story about a little girl who has a set of fake pearls that she absolutely loves to play with. Her father is an international businessmen and he brings back a real set of pearls for her as a surprise. Before giving them to her, he is putting her to bed one night and she says she loves him. He asks if she loves him enough to give him her pearls and she cries and says no. The next day, after much debate, she comes to her daddy and gives him her fake pearls and says she does love him enough. Then, of course, her father is moved by her interaction and gives her the real set of pearls.

How is this any different from our precious Father in heaven? He wants to bless us, but so often, we refuse to give up our silly fake pearls in exchange for His greater blessings.

Believe it or not, this relates very easily to the subject at hand.

Over time, I find myself going through spells of boy craziness. Maybe it's only a little crush here at work and a little crush over there at late nite. Maybe it's something I'd never pursue and never speak out loud.

But the reality of the matter is this: The more I hold on to silly crushes, especially when there is one here, one there, etc, etc... even if it's only because so-and-so has crystal clear blue eyes and a passion for ministry and the other has a knack for photography and a giving attitude.... those are all great things... but is it possible to say that by holding on, I'm clouding my judgment... I'm being distracted... and I'm giving away a pearl or two at a time... to someone who probably doesn't even know it, none-the-less?

And then, when it's time for God to really bestow His blessing... His plans... on my life... I'm not paying attention. All my fake pearls are not in one hand. I can't even begin to gather them all and trade them in. The real pearls are waiting- a job, a ministry, a new friendship... maybe a future HUSBAND? And my head is still spinning, too focused on the fake pearls, spread everywhere.

There are sides to every story. And I'm not saying it's a bad thing to be aware of those around you... because I'm not exactly trying to be single forever.

When I worked at the BG, one of my supervisors used to tell me all the time that the greatest accomplishment for a human is to conquer loneliness. Now, of course this is to be debated. It's definitely not solid truth. But it goes without saying that this is a huge task for most humans. And it wasn't until very recently that I seemed to wake up one day and realize that I finally have defeated this issue for myself.

It no longer bothers me to spend hours on end by myself. Not only that, but I don't waste the time I spend alone. I recognize it as time spent with my Father. And that being said, alone time is suddenly some of the most valuable time I can be given.

Twilight + Donald Miller = ??

This winter break it has appeared that I haven't been involved in much. The reality of the situation though, is that I've read many books and spent a lot of time deep in thought.

After the last six months of 2009, I've learned a lot about attitude and character. After all the experiences I've been mostly forced to endure, I've finally had the chance to reflect on all of it.

It really hasn't been much of a secret that I was dying to find something that wasn't "intellectual" to read after finals in December. Against all my anti-Twlight notions, I still found myself with the books in hand. I read the entire series in less than a week. There are so many arguments about what makes Twilight an excellent- or in other cases, terrible- read. But I don't want to mention Twilight for the sake of Twilight. Which, I am team Edward if you must know.

I mentioned Twilight because the first thing that I've been asked by others who find out about my recent addiction is this immediate, disbelieving and almost chastizing response: "What is it about those books that is so good? I don't get it!"

Aside from everything I could say, I will only mention one aspect.

I got sucked in, no pun intended, to the Twilight series because of the ambiance of the read. Something about being deep in Forks, admist the woods and the constant rain... the cozy small home in the woods... the clumziness of Bella.. the way her window slides open and the shadows dance across the floor of her room... how Edward's eyes turn from a hungry desparate black to a flickering aweinspiring gold.... All these details add up to this coziness that I simply couldn't get enough of.

Don't tell me you can't relate.

Every Christmas, I wish for a cold and rainy Christmas eve. With lots of traffic and dreariness. Why? Because I'm a Floridian. And I figure this is the closest we can get to a white Christmas.

I had this boyfriend who was just the perfect womanizer in the end. I didn't realize I was a blip on his radar, because I was so enamored with how every detail seemed to fall perfectly in line. He was just so... good.. at what he did. Without realizing it, I memorized the way he smelled, the way his eyes danced in the streetlights right before he kissed me goodnight... the way his breath always tasted like a peppermint mocha at the end of every date because inevitably we always had to make a stop by starbucks.

Sometimes life gets too loud. I don't want to hear anything. Not even a text message buzzing in. I'll come home and light two candles. Always the same candles. One is a mulled apple cider and the other a hazelnut cream. I've gone through so many candles, and ironically, I've ended up with my favorite being the walmart brand. I'll stop by the store on the way home and pick up a pack of cookie dough and milk. I always bake the cookies three quarters of the suggested time. It's not a good cookie unless it falls apart when you pick it up... unless the chocolate is gooey and stuck to my fingers. And the milk isn't worthy unless it's ice cold. Then, I get cozy. I draw the heavy curtains if there is any light streaming in. I find one of only a small hand full of movies. And I watch.

I don't watch movies over and over again. In fact there are only a small number of movies I re-watch. I do not watch them because they are good movies, necessarily. I watch them because of the way they make me feel. Because of the vibe they generate. Their ambiance. All of these small details are personal to me, of course. Clearly, a male of my age might be more into something with a tense and exciting atmosphere. Something with suspense and thrills. The point is, all of us crave certain fulfillments at certain times.

So, reading Twilight sent me crashing and clambering for more. I needed more of this feeling I got from Stephanie Meyers' writings. I've read a hand full of books. Right now, Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years in sitting next to me. I'm not even halfway through, but I was too inspired to sit still. I had to put some thoughts down before I lost track of them all. And now, here I sit, snuggled a foot deep in blankets on this below freezing night, perfectly fine with giving up a Saturday night to do some soul-searching.

Donald Miller made me realize the difference between yearning for more of a story in the form of something like Twilight and then fighting to make my life a decent story itself. I've heard this quote from time to time that goes something like this- I don't want to sleep because for once my reality is better than my dreams. This is exactly what Donald Miller seemed to struggle with when they decided to turn Blue Like Jazz into a movie. They needed to create a storyline to go with the book and he realized he's spent his time writing stories instead of living out a story. He made a good example in the beginning of his book... We wouldn't get wrapped up in the storyline of someone who spent an entire wanting and working to get a new car. We wouldn't cry at the end if they finally got the car. We are not inspired by movies like this, so how can we expect to be fulfilled with life stories that resemble something similar to this example storyline?

This entire concept has been just within my grasp for the last year. It hasn't been so precisely thought out, but I began to realize that the feelings I get watching my certain comfort movies are never enough. Of course, there are many Godly reasons why a movie isn't going to fulfill me, but that's for another day.

The bottom line is, it leaves the question hanging before me... if I want a story like THAT... then I have to live like THAT.

This means taking risks and chances and not going through the same dull routines. If I like a character in a movie who has certain cute routines- like lighting candles and taking bubble baths and having cozy personal evenings alone... then I should probably do something similar myself instead of trying to simulate the experience by just popping in a movie. You don't become a marathon runner by watching movies about runners. You do it by getting off the couch and becoming your own leading lady, your own hero, protagonist, star. You write your own story.
How existentialist of me, I know.

But then, Donald Miller also talks about the Writer in his head. A Writer I know very well. But that's another story for another day.